lacking substance

7:31am: Hmm...
I'm not quite seeing the point to updating since there is only one person who reads this journal, and I could just as easily IM him. Either way...

This is my last week of class. That is fucking crazy. I've been here a year, everything I'm going to learn down here I have already learned. I don't feel any smarter for it. This week isn't even real class... a quiz today, review tomorrow, review Wednesday, final Thursday. Graduation is March 5th, my parents are coming down for it, that should be interesting. I just want to get packed up and get the fuck out of here, but I will have to wait on my roommate being ready since we are driving his car back up.

I'm REALLY not looking forward to having to pack up all the shit in this room. I think today when I get back from this quiz I'll have to clean and start throwing out some stuff. I'm such a packrat it's ridiculous, I really need to learn how to just throw crap out. I wonder where I can buy cardboard boxes down here, I'm going to need a bunch of them. Bleh. I have to do laundry today as well. This is looking like it's going to be one ACTION PACKED MONDAY.

Well, it's 7:40ish and that quiz is at 9. I sold my car and have been walking to school every morning, so I guess I should get moving. Shower, dress, walk, test, walk, clean, sit, wait, wait, tv, wait, sleep, wake, shower, dress, walk, review, walk, wait, wait, sit, wait, tv, wait, sit, wait, sleep, shower, dress, walk, review, walk, sit, wait, wait, wait, tv, wait, wait, wait, sleep, shower, dress, walk, test, walk, wait, wait, sleep, wait, sleep, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait... ugh.

If anyone besides angryanthropoid reads this, comment, I'm curious if anyone does.

8:45am: MP3 Thing
Angryanthropoid did this in his LJ so I want to do it too...

... yes, if he jumped off a bridge, i'd do it too

1. Open Mp3 Player
2. Hit Random
3. List First Ten Songs That Play (I feel like listening to a bunch of music, so I'm going to do 15)

-Bauhaus - Bela Lugosi Is Dead
-The Supremes - Can't Hurry Love
-Gary Numan - Are Friends Electric?
-Misfits - Scream
-Bright Eyes - Falling Out Of Love At This Volume
-Platters - Blue Moon
-Jimi Hendrix - Manic Depression
-Lovage - Archie and Veronica
-Procol Harem - Whiter Shade Of Pale (full length)
-Slowdive - Allison
-Joy Division - No Love Lost
-Toadies - Doll Skin
-Outkast - Bombs Over Baghdad
-Bob Dylan - Tangled Up In Blue
-The Velvet Underground - Stephanie Says

Wee, a list. Maybe I will start writing in this again, who knows.

ciao fo' now

6:00pm: ~1.m#nogenoge<45>11ty&&*<1.2.2.3>(no_param).7
it's my birthday today. i'm 21. i just got a card from my mom and dad. kind of cool. they wrote about how they are proud of me and glad im part of their life. that's cool, cause it's not something that gets said or written much in my family, so i guess it means something. i'm feeling pretty empty at the moment. have been for a few days. i have cuts in my mouth that aren't healing, and they bleed a lot of the time. this means i wind up swallowing a lot of blood, and usually feel pretty damn sick afterwards.

i only had 1 cigarette yesterday, and i haven't had any yet today. then again, i haven't really been awake that long today. my grandparents also sent me a card, with a nice check, which i thought was really cool of them.

i dunno. i feel weird. i'm doing really well in school, not to brag. but yet, when i think about it, it's not really making me happy or anything. no more than anything else would have? this probably won't make sense to anyone else. i guess i'm just trying to say, i dont really know why i had to leave new jersey just to keep feeling mediocre. i guess i'm doing well, so that makes other people happy, so who cares. i just feel like im missing so much. and i'm so tired of everyone i talk to telling me im not missing anything because "new jersey sucks, nothing ever changes, blah blah blah". no one can just say, "yeah, that's probably pretty rough, being away from home and your friends." everyone just wants to be stupid about it. i don't even know what i'm saying. so, my birthday. maybe i'll go by some gum at a liquor store tonight, since in florida you can't enter a liquor store until you are 21. now i can shop anywhere. i have the power.

3:01am: i dream of dreaming
ok, so here I am, still haven't slept. took the final exam without having slept. my body has decided to not get tired. thanks body, i appreciate it... you low low fucking scum duck. so, what do you do at 3am when you can't sleep and you accidently open photoshop? make a father's day card of course... here is mine:



anyway... i really starting to fear the day that once 3am rolls around, all television channels are taken over by a commercial selling girls gone wild videos, or some idiot's spliced together VHS scenes of actress "SHOWING IT ALL!". it seems like more and more channels fall victim to this horrible affliction every night. that's all for now tim.

5:21am: 5 hours left
i have 5 hours till i have to wake up. i have a final at 1pm, i need to do laundry beforehand. i haven't slept yet. this sucks. no one is online. i tried to play guitar, got frustrated, and nearly ripped all the strings off the damn thing. no matter what i write, i wind up comparing it to something else and not liking it. in all fairness, i haven't really been "playing" all that long. i would even really consider myself someone who can play. i just want to write something, real bad, almost obsessive bad.

so i'll write words:

mr guitar head wants to take my drinks
and i'm going to tell him what time church starts tomorrow
it's a funny thing when you can't see what time it is
and a bird lands on your penis

mom told us to come inside
and we didn't listen
and now gary can't find his arms
silly gary, should have listened

either way we do it
it always winds up flat
and that's why we keep trying
day after day after day
to make a better casserolle
and hope our kids stop beating us
until we are dead
i think someone just stole my car

fin.

3:05am: *!*
we're having a party
for an invisible tractor
i think we rode it once
but i can't remember!

tomorrow holds a bomb
and we both hold hands
watch it hit the earth
and dance a little dance

this is the tractor
we had so many memories inside!
take away the wheels
and it looks a lot like food!

thanks tractor
we are back in action
tomorrow has a gun
and i think my radio laughed at me!

6:06pm: soup kitchen
there is a party right now.
i'm not at the party right now.
i could call and go to the party right now.
memorial day party right now.
right now.

right now.

hi scoops!

yesterday i cleaned my bathroom, i've never cleaned a bathroom before. school opens you up to new experiences.

i don't know why i can't just go to this damn party and have a good time. i can't find any interesting people down here. i mean really interesting. i find people to talk to, but no one really interesting.

i don't like those people who say new jersey sucks. i don't think it does. i think there are interesting people there. it's not like i haven't tried to make friends down here. i've made friends, but i'd say maybe... one of them is the least be interesting. conversation almost seems like a chore with most of these people. if it wasn't for aim, i'd probably have stopped any sort of thought processing by now. this entry probably seems quite elitist, but that's not really my intent. i'm sure these people are interesting to someone, just not me. wow, this is so dumb, but i already typed it all so fuck me if i'm not going to post it.

i can't wait to come back to new jersey and be ar.. yeah, around people i can RELATE to, that's what is, not that these people are interesting, i just can't relate to any of them.

i really should stop bitching about being bored all the time considering right now i could be at a barbeque and yet i'm CHOOSING not to go. cause i don't think i'll have a good time. and i know i won't have a good time sitting around the apartment, but at least that doesn't take any effort at all. going to the barbeque would involve driving there and talking to people, and acting all swell-like.

jenn just logged, maybe i'll just bug her.

i called my parents today, and apparently it's beeing raining in new jersey the whole long weekend. however, i did get some news from them. they took a drive together the other day. just to go driving. that is the coolest thing. i'm always worried that they are unhappy together, or that they just don't spend time with one another enough. i never really knew my parents to be close or anything. they weren't really openly emotional or anything towards each other. but they went for a drive together. they drove into ringwood, they drove to the place we used to live when i was really young, like 2 or 3 years old. and while they were passing by they saw our old neighbors. they actually stopped to talk to them. my parents do things, they have lives and go out and do things. i doubt anyone will understand, but that is such a comforting thought. it means i don't have to worry so much about them being unhappy in life. that's cool. i'm glad they went for a drive. really, so cool.

my sister has a boyfriend from fair lawn now. i don't like the looks of them teenagers in fair lawn. no respect for proper hair and nail maintenence... ok ... can i NOT please go into goofyville in the middle of this post please... thanks.

so yeah, good parents, i guess things are decent here too. this is my journal i might as well type this. last night i cried so damn hard. i seriously love crying. in my opinion, it's really the only type of emotional release that hasn't been whored out by the drama kings and queens of the world. you cry, it's like validating yourself to yourself. it's like saying "here, physical proof that you feel the way you do, not for attention, but because you just do. you are sad and this is the evidence is rolling down your cheeks and closing up your throat." i'm glad i cried. i can't say i really feel any better today, but last night, when it was all over, i felt so cleansed.

ok, so i'm a fag and this is my story.

i think i'll spend the rest of the day in my bed remembering things and thinking about how my parents might still love each other.

catch you all in string cheese, ok seriously, with the flip top stuff, get rid of it fancy dan. sliptown is not the place to write your entries from.

3:27am: homesick
i miss my family

9:55pm: a new post
this is a NEW post in my live journal. you can tell it's new because it's dated later than the other posts below it. math. math. birds. math. look, it's simple, if tigi is reading this... just call him and say "i'm not like that, plus my dad can't just afford another car." if he isn't understanding, it's really not worth it. nothing you did was your fault. it pains me so much to see you the way you have been the past few days.

furthermore.

and also.

plus, i think this school is a fun place to learn about what they teach you at this school that's fun.
OOH OOH, in actual news. anyone who reads this should hunt down the movie "She Weeps Friday". The use of color in this movie is incredible, and the fact that it was making brilliant political statements at the time it was made (i believe 1989) that still hold true today is almost tear inducing.

Remeber folks, otherwise you will forget.

I get to come home at the end of June. That makes me the happy. Anyone out there know of a good reliable company to buy from for tennis shoes? I found there is a big group of local guys who play tennis on fridays. They seem like cool guys, I'd really like to get to know them, maybe make some friends. I figure going out to play some tennis will be a good doorway.

Man so much else has happened. I don't even know where to start. I switched degrees, I'm taking film now. I find the medium can hold so much more emotion that a simple audio track. I think viewing "She Weeps Friday" really helped me to realize that. I bought a "new" car because I was worried my Fiero was not going to make it through the rest of the year, so I am now the proud owner of a 1994 Dodge Shadow. It's red and when I hit the gas it goes VROOOM.

That's all for now.

3:39am: joy to the whirled
i'm still sick. at night i feel slightly better, then when i wake up i have the sickness back. to make things all the better i lost track of days while i was sick and managed to miss a lab today. there goes the perfect attendance i was striving for. it's seriously bothering me, it was a goal i set and i completely got fucked over by some stupid fucking virus. sounds pretty petty i'm sure, but it's really bothering me a lot. there is no way to make up the time cause of the strict attendance policy at this school. i really need this virus to go away, it's kind of making me very very weird in the head. i'm afraid, as i always am when i get sick, that i will never get better. i miss feeling normal, i take it for granted. and i really think i want to go home, but i don't know. i think i'm missing a lot. uhm, that's all for now i guess, i think i'm miserable.


and what the hell is "the death house"?

12:49am: praise the lohad!
my snot isn't green anymore! i think i'm getting better, horray for diapers! thanks to all of you who prayed for my quick recovery. like daniel sun says "mmm, that's good beer AND good movies!" today i had a class, and i don't remember it cause i felt so shitty while it was happening. i like peanuts. oh yeah, you know those f-15 fighters i was asking about, turns out they are all "big stickers". hah, go figure. cheelion.

10:38pm: *cough*
... i HATE being sick, absolutely hate it with a passion. nothing really pisses me off more than being sick, and i mean sick like having a bit of cold. right now my head aches a bit, as does my body. one nostril is stuffed up and my throat is a tad sore. doesn't seem so bad righT? WRONG, cause it stops me from doing everyday things i would want to do. i wouldn't mind going for a walk right now, but i'm too weak, i'd love to have a cigarette but it would make me feel sicker, plus it wouldn't taste very good.

this is also the first time i've been sick while not living at home. no one is here that gives enough of a damn to run out to the store if i need something. i also have only my willpower to keep me from smoking and worsening the scenario. today i managed to limit to it one cigarette, and i didn't even finish it.

the best part is i have to start my new class tomorrow. luckily it's from 5pm-9pm so at least i can sleep a bunch before i have to go in. the problem is it's a class i'm not going to mind taking at all (multimedia audio). i'd so prefer to be feeling 100 percent while im there. i just hope this virus gets the hint and goes on its merry little way soon. i have this horrible feeling i will be sick all week, but who knows.

in other news, it is nice to have short hair at this point, being that my sort of fever is causing me to sweat, not having long hair makes it a bit more manageable. i just watched pushing tin, i thought it was pretty cool. i don't know what it is in my brain that tells me to separate these groups of sentences the way i do, they are far from paragraphs. anyway.... i guess i should go find another movie to watch and pray that i pass out soon. if the idea of walking out to my car didn't make me feel so drained, i'd go buy some nyquil... maybe tomorrow.

fare ye all well for now, pray for my quick recovery ;)

12:56am: bye bye
i cut my hair.

6:00pm: uh oh (and other such feelings)
i told a friend secrets last night, and i hope he doesn't let them out. today i feel ashamed for all the things i said =\. it's kind of funny that his advice was to stop feeling so ashamed of myself. i have that swell second half of the web page lab in 3 hours. i just almost had a panic attack in my apartment, my roommate is at lab, so i couldn't fall back on the usually nonsense thoughts of other existence.

i didn't go to sleep until 5am this morning. i woke up at 12, and until about 20 minutes ago, hadn't had a cigarette all day. it wasn't a goal or anything, for some reason i just didn't have one. it's 6pm and i haven't showered or done laundry or done much of anything. apparently this stupid super nintendo rpg takes full priority now, i should probably stop playing it.

i just noticed today is the first day of may, that means it's pretty much exactly two months until i can breathe out.

i hope i can shake my problems soon, but it's probably not going to happen as quickly as i'm dreaming it will. i wrote a song around 4am this morning, i haven't given it a listen yet today, cause i know it will just give me the opportunity to sucker punch myself a couple of times.

i wonder if anyone gets as caught up in my live journal as i do in other peoples...
i need new clothes, or a new body so i can like the way i look in the ones i own.
i need to smoke and eat less.
i need to drink less.
i want to go home.

a message to everyone in nj that reads this, and to anyone who does, which doesn't make sense, cause they will never get the message, but, i'm happier around you.

i'm going to go drink water and smoke a cigarette now.

11:30pm: Another day, another entry
yay, entry two. that's right, man oh man, did a lot happen today or what. i woke up and i was still the same person i hated yesterday, so, strike one. then i went to class, and it was boring, and i felt like it was a waste of my time. now i've been home since class ended at 4:30pm, doing nothing. man i love it here, i never thought i could ever be so happy.

yesterday i had my usual mental cycle of, writing a piece of music, telling myself it was a lot better than it actually was, hyping it out in my head to the point where i had no more energy to appreciate it, and now i hate it again. i'd love to send it to someone, but none of my usual listeners seem to want to respond to any ims, then again, given the music i've sent them, who could blame them. i have such excellent sentence structure.

tomorrow i get to go finish my lab on "making my own web page" golly, it's like, just when i think i should end it all, life throws me a little treat like that. man, nothing like making a web page about myself for school so that someone can check me off on a list and give me my 100 lab grade.

if anyone is still reading at this point, i really hope things get better for you, cause you might be just as bored as i.

i'd like to write one good song before i die, a real song, nothing electronic, something with a guitar, and that isn't dumb. and something i could actually appreciate. i don't know what i'm expecting here, i don't know what will prove to me something is good. radio play? white lights? heavenly fanfare? tears? i have no idea, why am i still writing and why don't i make proper sentences and why did i have that chicken for dinner, and why do i even eat when it just makes me feel fat, and why do i breathe when it just makes me feel alive and why do i type when it just makes me

1:20am: i got a code
i got a live journal code, thanks to alexx's friend, tigresmlily, for the code. now i can type, cause i got a code. not just anyone can get a code you know. you have to be smooth, and slick, and know someone who has a code to give to you. that's me, i know someone. not really, but my friend does, and she had one, so she gave it to him, and he gave it to me. now we all have aids.

i had a lab tonight, making your own webpage. i think i should be able to just explain to these people that i obviously know how to go about doing that, since i have a webpage. sometimes this school seems really dumb. im hoping once the gen-eds are out of the way and we get into the actual recording "nitty gritty", if you will, that it will get better.

today i recorded guitar for the first time, and i even did some of the singy sing sing over it. nothing that made any sense, more the hummy hum hum. i think everyone should listen to bright eyes - pull my hair, at least once in their life. it's a good song from good people. the good people at armor, the hot dog people. the people who make the dogs, the perro's de caliente! yeah, maybe i shouldn't have gotten a live journal. i don't really have anything to say.